Many of us are automatically programmed to do the “right” thing when something is asked of us. If we have been ‘well brought up’, it may be difficult for us to resist the temptation to be helpful, to help others, not to disappoint or offend. However, agreeing, not saying how we feel or perhaps saying ‘yes’ when we don’t want to, can eventually lead us to feel used, unappreciated and resentful.
– When we learn to be assertive and express ourselves well, appropriately, means that when we say ‘yes’ to something, we are happy to take on that extra task, get together socially, do a favor, take things further. We don’t feel cajoled, intimidated, or guilty. Sometimes we can agree to do things that we don’t like too much or stay quiet and bite our tongues. We will see it as a compensation; It can be important to earn brownie points or just have good manners.
However, if we feel that our acquiescence has become a regular pattern, that others now expect us to always agree, we may need to consider the signals we are giving. When we express ourselves well, it becomes an integral part of establishing balanced relationships. Therefore, it is important to notice if others have started to see us as pushovers and ‘yes’ is now becoming the most negative word in our vocabulary.
– Saying how we feel means that we are committed to establishing relationships of equalityThey want to be open, honest and comfortable together. When we feel comfortable and ready to give, share and be real about our feelings, it helps us build trust and mutual respect, where communication happens naturally. No one keeps track of who does good deeds and favors or has to think before they speak.
If, over time, we notice that we are the ones who are always helping, accommodating, saying ‘yes’ when we would rather say ‘no’ and receiving nothing in return, we can begin to feel frustrated and let down. Rarely receiving consideration or a simple “thank you” can signal the time to start expressing yourself better and saying how you feel more often.
– However, remember that others may not fully appreciate how you think or feel. If he is quiet, he may seem sullen, indifferent, or in agreement with what has been decided. Watch for this to become a pattern in a relationship, especially if one person is dominant or very opinionated. The fact that he gave a massive concession or made a huge investment of himself may have gone unnoticed. They may have asked a question where they expected you to say how you feel and then simply took you at your word.
I remember a client, one of the main managers of a national company dominated by men. She was seriously stressed, she worked long hours with practically no free time and no personal life. She always said ‘yes’ to her manager because she was worried that if she didn’t, he would assume she wasn’t coping and maybe she wasn’t up to the job. One afternoon she was driving home from work late at night. Her boss called and asked her to make an urgent report.
She had worked on her trust and felt able to easily explain what she was already working on, that she was happy to do the report but needed his input on rescheduling her workload to incorporate the new request. It turned out that he wasn’t aware of his other commitments, was asking if he had any spare capacity and was happy that someone else did. He responded to his request calmly and efficiently, expressing himself well and thus avoiding automatically saying yes and ending up working all night.
– Good communications are important. Being open and honest, expressing clearly that you are happy to do something, want to be supportive, spend time together, but need others to reciprocate, understand and appreciate your point of view is a positive way to invest in your relationships. It is important to state what you want from your partner in return.
– When we feel forced, pressured or questioned, we can begin to feel resentful.. Always being the ‘nice guy’ can be tiring, especially if it becomes apparent that others automatically assume that we will go along with their wishes. We can feel unappreciated, ignored, inconsequential. But if we don’t speak up and say how we feel, we have to accept some responsibility for other people’s assumptions. It’s important to deal with a situation before it impacts our relationships too much.
If this is you, take time to reflect on why you have this mindset, why this pattern has evolved in your relationships. Were your role models people pleasers, always obedient; Was disagreement viewed as argumentative, unattractive, unacceptable? Were their views and wishes criticized and dismissed?
– Looking at other people’s relationships and comparing them with our own can be an interesting exercise. Observe how others enjoy adult conversations, discuss your wishes, make concessions and negotiate. Then we can learn to modify the way we express ourselves.
Becoming more confident in a positive and assertive way can contribute significantly to the quality of our relationships, and the side effect may be that we improve our relationship with ourselves as well.
