It is not uncommon after a divorce or separation for one parent to need to move in with their own parents in order to make ends meet. What happens when grandparents get too involved in raising grandchildren during visits?
Let’s take a look at Joe and Sarah.
Joe left the marital residence and moved in with his parents. Joe and Sarah found common parenting ground and established rules for both parents to follow with their children.
The problem: Joe’s parents have extra rules in their home. Some are contradictory to what Joe and Sarah have proposed in their co-parenting agreement. When children get confused by conflicting rules, they start to act up.
Joe, feeling like he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place (his parents’ rules and the co-parenting agreement) doesn’t know what to do, but he does his best. When he fails as best he can, his parents step in and assume the role of parent, leaving Joe looking helpless in the eyes of his children. When Joe’s parents are not around, the children become a free-for-all and Joe has no control over the situation.
Wow!!! To do? Let’s start by exploring the role of grandparents.
Grandparents play a very important role in the lives of grandchildren. When you’re a grandparent, your role changes from parent to soft place for kids to fall. Your time with your grandchildren should be fun and enjoyable for everyone. When your grandchildren come from a divorced home, it is more important than ever that you remain neutral.
So why are Joe’s parents leaving that role? Because Joe is having parenting issues.
I understand that you want to participate and raise the grandchildren. After all, that’s what you’ve done most of your life, but that’s not your job. That’s Joe’s job. So the real question is, how can you help Joe without really jumping into the role of a father?
When kids are getting out of hand, this is your chance to step in and offer them a diversion or a fun activity to do with you. This stops the behavior and gives Joe a few minutes to recover. By choosing this step, you leave Joe’s reputation as the “father” intact and eliminate Joe’s problem of raising the children alone.
After the kids leave, that’s the time you can sit down with Joe and talk to him about his parenting skills. If she’s genuinely concerned that he’s having trouble keeping things under control, she offers suggestions for parenting classes, parenting therapy, or parenting training. By offering these suggestions, she puts you in a neutral position.
I understand that you have successfully raised your children, but your beliefs and parenting methods may not be what Joe and Sarah agreed upon. If he chooses to advise Joe on parenting methods, he sets himself up to be blamed for any future problems between Joe and Sarah when it comes to peacefully raising their children. Why put yourself in that position?
By choosing these steps, you prepare Joe to be a successful father and allow yourself to be the soft landing place for your grandchildren. What better place is there to be?
