Nothing causes me more anguish and terror than having the lesbian ex-girlfriend discussion. It would be wonderful if we could build relationships where there is no past, like a science fiction movie in which memory is erased and no baggage is presented.
There is something especially disturbing about lesbians and their past relationships, we tend to have a hard time letting go or moving on. Often we repeat mistakes from the past and wonder what we have and if it is better than the last experience. Full of doubts and mistrust, we compare, we self-sabotage and we get more and more tired.
There are two puzzles when it comes to ex-girlfriends, first of all, dealing with all of your past, whether your ex-girlfriends are still in your life or the pain they have left behind. Second, their women past and present, I don’t know of anyone else, but I often feel like I’m being punished for their ghosts past.
We all want to be able to keep what is bear no matter the risk and ask our new loves to renounce all their past “EVERYTHING”. I am just as guilty, I have to say that it is not easy for anyone to date me as I have had some truly amazing beautiful women in my life and even though I did not train romantically, many are still dear friends that I love and cherish. I know many have suffered knowing this even if I worked on the battlefield of balancing what I needed and how to accommodate without getting lost.
I recently realized, one that I have known for a long time but only now accepted: you can’t please everyone. You will not make everyone happy, it is an impossible task. It is not where happiness lies, it is the balance within oneself of what we need and want. In my past, I was so afraid of hurting others that I kept my relationship a secret and the women who loved me allowed it. I know this probably made them feel unwanted and less, but I thought the love that I felt and showed would be enough and could still keep everyone else happy, but no one wants to be a secret!
As I enter a new relationship, I find myself questioning my ways and closing doors that I have left open for far too long. I look at her and I want her to feel everything I see in her and also know that she is not my little secret that I am proud and in awe of her. I can’t make everyone happy and it’s honestly exhausting and if friends and ex-girlfriends can’t be happy about the steps we take, are they really the people we need in a circle of support?
I have also decided that they cannot punish me and worry about their ghosts. I know that I am not those women, that I am me and that every day I work on who I am and my intentions in this world. A commitment phobia by nature, I would use this as an excuse to run, the ex’s story. I was telling them that I just couldn’t get over their past, nor did I want to face it, which also gave me permission not to become completely vulnerable and do whatever I wanted.
When you love someone, there is no guarantee. All you have is what comes in the package and if everything is going to work, there must be an acceptance of everything that has come before you, because after all that is part of who she is.
In the end, there is no diplomatic way to care for ex-girlfriends, and unfortunately, it will be necessary to let go of selfish needs and look at shifting core beliefs. I am no stranger to this process and am still in the early stages of learning. When we decide to remain friends, ex-girlfriends, we leave very little room for any new people to come in, and you may subconsciously not be sure how we feel about our current partner. As painful as it is, it takes space to heal wounds and make room for new beginnings. How can we look ahead if our vision is stuck in the rear view mirror? We will continue to crash and burn in our past.
I think there are some ex-girlfriend relationships that can be healthy, but that comes with time and space in our union. There are also relationships that when they come to an end, that’s where they should stay and rest, especially if they were abusive or unhealthy to begin with.
Here are some tips for dealing with the EX factor:
- Do not compare your new love with the past. It really isn’t fair and doesn’t allow for a good start. We are all different and really if you want to know why you attract certain people, take a look at yourself and your parents. You will not find the answer in your partner, but in your own past and understanding of relationships and modeling.
- Don’t find yourself in compromising situations. If there are exs that you know are dangerous to you, stay away. We all have that person who when we are close all the walls collapse and we begin to make excuses to get closer and forget the most basic of relationship breakers. Know your weaknesses and then adjust to them and keep your new relationship intact.
- Friends are people we can turn to for support, without inappropriate problems arising. We need to be able to trust friends, and ex-girlfriends often can’t be friends, as schedules are very different than a friend’s. So basically “Don’t shit where you eat.”
- You cannot fully invest and be present if your energy turns to past relationships and you try to befriend them.
- Talk to your ex, be frank that you are in a new relationship and need space. Stop hanging around waiting for the right moment and show respect not just for their needs, but for everyone involved, even if it means a bit of pain. Pain is not a bad thing; it is just a sign of change and adjustment. You can say “You are an amazing person, but I have started a new relationship and I am very happy. I want to give it a fair chance, so I am going to say goodbye, but I wish you all the best.” Be short, direct, and sweet.
- Delete your friends on Facebook. Eliminate the temptation and you will not be alone in their business and they are not in yours. It sucks, but it’s part of letting go. Don’t worry, both of you will make new friends very soon.
- Remove their number from your phone. This is one of the first things I do, because I’m impulsive and I always want a happy ending, but that’s unrealistic, so as a good addiction specialist that I am, I remove all relapse triggers from the relationship!
- Claim for loss. You lost someone you loved and a friend. It’s okay to cry and be sad. A part of you has gone with them and now you have to say goodbye.
- Stop mentioning the ex. It is part of history and you leave in the present.
- Focus on yourself and what you have learned. If we go through all this, we better learn something and be better, not more tired, right?
New relationships are difficult; They require a lot of work in the beginning after all your two strangers got together and for all the reasons in the universe. Nothing is gone forever and if you want a later friendship with an ex, leave it in a box to deal with later, but for a while at first focus on your new love and the power that brought you together.
Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru
