When I woke up this morning, I was crying. I had been dreaming about my father (who passed away at the end of September). I remember that in my dream, he was not alive and was leaning on a chair. He was crying, saying “I’m SO sorry, I didn’t know.”
Ironically, I know exactly what I didn’t know in my dream. I know I have a lot of guilt about the circumstances of his death. They did not treat him well in the hospital; I HATED seeing him propped up in a chair. I wasn’t there when he passed away in the middle of the night. no one was. I wish I could change that and so I go over and over it in my mind, trying to rewrite the past but realizing it’s impossible to do.
According to Dr. Vickie Rackner, author and keynote speaker, “Guilt is a pain that tells you there is a mismatch between the person you would like to be and the person you were at the time.” At “that time,” I wish I had been the person who stayed by the bedside 24/7 and the person who KNEW to champion palliative care and keep my father home. I’m sorry I haven’t been.
Dr. Rackner also states that regret and guilt are distant cousins. They are certainly related because regret often leads to guilt.
In the book, “The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers” by Alexis Abramson, Barry J. Jacobs, PsyD states that when a loved one dies, guilt is the second most predominant feeling in the experience of previous caregivers. There is guilt that they didn’t do enough, guilt that they are now “free” of the burden of caregiving, guilt that they have their own life back. This guilt can last 6 months or even longer. It comes and goes, but is eventually replaced by the knowledge that the disease process and God’s plan were the most important factors overall.
Guilt is part of every aspect of caregiving. Caregivers are often overwhelmed and torn between what they need to accomplish for their employer, their spouse, their family, and the person they care for. What was not achieved often leads to feelings of guilt. (I missed the football game; I missed spending quiet time with my spouse; I ran, dropped the groceries, and ran out of my mom’s house without stopping for a long, long conversation.) When I took care of my father, I used to often feel bad that I didn’t have time to sit with him and play cards or watch TV as often as he wanted. There was too much to do. We DID play Cribbage for at least 2 hours most nights, but since he always said “I’ve got all day!” He did; Je n’ai pas.
Anger can also lead to feelings of guilt. We feel bad about being angry because we are stressed, overwhelmed, overworked, tired, etc., so we feel guilty, which leads the anger back to guilt and more anger… a never-ending circle. Guilt will also cause us not to take care of ourselves, perhaps because we believe we don’t deserve care, which of course will lead to anger, guilt… and you get the picture.
To get rid of guilt, it is important to recognize that feelings are JUST feelings, nothing more. You must forgive yourself for your imperfections. You are only human and no human is perfect.
While you can’t change the events or all the activities in your caregiving role, you can change your feelings about them, and you can change some of the actual activities themselves. For example, if you find it hard to spend quality time with the person you care for because he or she is too busy doing chores, hire some of them. (If expenses are an issue, The Area Agency on Aging has a scholarship program for a certain number of hours per month where caregivers can do light housework.) (Meals on Wheels may be available in your area to deliver hot meals to your loved one, or your church may have a program.) When you can spend some time with your loved one, you will get to know them better. and enjoy them.
In recent years, there has been a lot of talk about the book The Secret and the Laws of Attraction. Part of that philosophy involves a change in the way you look at the world and your role in it. You can change the way you view your caregiver role from a burden to one of gratitude for the experience. Changing your perception will cause you to (consciously or unconsciously) change your actions to align the two with each other.
You must remember that it is absolutely essential to take care of yourself and continue enjoying life. Do not feel guilty for those things that you do only for yourself (I speak in moderation, of course). They will make you a happy person to be around. Don’t become a martyr; it does no one any good.
So how does all this relate to my dream and my feelings of guilt? As I thought about it, I decided that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time, so I forgave myself. I had cared for my father at home until the last week and a half of his life and I am proud and grateful that I was able to do so.
With the holidays approaching, I wanted to mention something else that Dr. Vicky Rackner said. “Consider giving yourself a holiday gift. Forgive yourself for a choice that made you feel guilty. Forgive someone else for an action that disappointed you. Forgive the world for the injustice that came between you and an old dream.”
I hope you can do that.
© 2009 Shelley Webb
