In my years of counseling married couples on how to save their marriages, I have come across many questions. These questions are often very similar in one way or another. Here I have compiled five questions with answers to help you save your marriage.
1. Should a married couple live happily with no (or at least minimal) arguments or fights?
It is not possible even if they wanted to or tried very hard. A common trait in successful married couples is not the absence of conflict but knowing how to behave during conflict. The way NOT to do this is to attack your partner’s personality during arguments or fights. Accusations, profanities, vulgarities, insults and personal attacks are the wrong means to have a fight between colleagues. Words like: “You’re a bum, why did I marry you in the first place?” they are intensely detrimental to the marriage relationship. This is the correct way that I recommend.
The correct way to argue is to restrict your words to the facts (rather than your opinion) and issues about the conflict. Talk about what really happened, who did what, what who said and when, how you felt when it happened, and how your partner’s words or actions affected you. Words like “I felt embarrassed when you joked about me in front of your friends!” they are much more acceptable because they do not attack your partner’s self-esteem and, at the same time, bring up the problems of the conflict. This is an indispensable conflict resolution skill; knowing how to argue correctly without endangering the marital relationship.
2. My partner is getting bored with me and wants to leave me. What can I do to restore our relationship?
The one thing you should NOT do is try to cling to him by appearing to be in a sorry situation in hopes of gaining some sympathy from him. Begging, pleading, crawling, or crying uncontrollably so that he doesn’t leave you is often counterproductive. Such tactics often drive him away faster and faster. It is important that you maintain your dignity and self-respect at all times. Besides this, what else should you do?
By all means, do what you can to restore excitement and passion. Romantic actions, pleasant surprises, unexpected favors are ways to spice up a sour relationship. Do this but don’t get desperate to hold on to your spouse. Allow him space to search his own soul and realize what he is missing by leaving you. This should inevitably bring him back to you.
3. My husband spends all his time at work or with his own circle of friends. He is hardly home and when he is home, he is too tired, he prefers to watch TV and doesn’t want to have any meaningful conversation with me or the kids. I feel very lonely and depressed. What can I do to save my marriage?
This is what you should NOT do. Don’t scold, scold, blame, complain or accuse her husband. It is essential to find a suitable opportunity to speak sensibly to him. A proper occasion implies a proper one:
Time: Pick a time when you are most receptive. It can be after dinner, early in the morning or on weekends. Don’t talk to him within the first hour after he gets home from work. A man’s brain needs time to adjust to the home environment after a full day of work. Also avoid times when he is stressed or has had a bad experience at work.
Setting: If possible, find a setting where both of you won’t be distracted by the kids, the TV, the phone, schedules, or deadlines. Ideally, you should go somewhere together or have a quiet dinner with just the two of you. Somebody take care of the kids. Generally speaking, the further away you are from home and normal routines, the better you will be able to communicate your concerns to him.
Manner: The words you say, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, what you don’t say, and their implications are extremely important in getting your message across. She does not give her husband the impression that she is attacking him personally because she will only put him on the defensive. Her form of communication should be as warm, affectionate, friendly and supportive as possible. Talk about her feelings and needs, not her behavior and shortcomings. Discuss together what you should do about the situation. Explore areas of compromise that you can both do to make things better.
4. My husband cannot meet my needs. He is unromantic and uncommunicative. It seems that he will never change and my marriage seems to be at a dead end. I am thinking of getting divorced. Is divorce advisable for someone in my situation?
My firm belief is that divorce is never a right choice for anyone unless adultery has been committed. Even in the case of adultery, there is still room for reconciliation and healing if there is repentance on the part of the offender. These days, it’s all too easy for couples to cite irreconcilable differences as a valid reason for divorce. I do not agree. Marriage is meant to be for life and should be viewed that way by both spouses. Let me share some facts about divorce.
If you think divorce is the way to escape your marital problems, think again. Especially if you are a woman, divorce presents more setbacks than for men. This is because our society largely views a divorced woman with less respect than a divorced man. And if she has children, it is likely that custody of them will be her responsibility. Eventually, she will have to juggle work and motherhood in order to feed her children. You will be straddling your responsibilities, while your ex-husband is free to find love again almost immediately. So if divorce is out of the question, what can you do instead?
If your spouse is not meeting your needs, you must first figure out how to meet your needs. Everyone has a primary love language, whether it’s physical contact, quality time, giving gifts, acts of service, or words of encouragement. What is your spouse’s primary love language? If you speak his love language, he will likely respond to you in the same way. If he expresses love through physical contact, touch him more and he will respond to you. Although your own love language may not be the same as your spouse’s, you would still be receiving their expression of love. Eventually, he will understand how to speak your love language and he will be able to express his love in the way that he attracts you. In this way, both emotional needs will be satisfied.
5. I suspect my wife is having an affair. Although she still carries out her responsibilities as a mother, our love life is empty and our sex life is almost non-existent. It seems as if she is trying to hide something and sometimes her whereabouts are unknown. How can I get it back for myself?
First of all, suspicion of an affair is not proof of an affair. Do not blatantly accuse or blame your wife of infidelity. The moment you do, you inevitably make her defensive and hide even more from you. Don’t spy on your wife or resort to emotional blackmail (“If you loved me, you would do this…”). These actions drive an even bigger wedge into their relationship. What you should do is observe.
See if there are any telltale signs. In one of my other articles, I have listed fifteen signs of an affair. Compare your wife’s behavior with this list. If all or at least most of the signs are clear, then her suspicion may be credible. Suppose her suspicions are correct; This is what you would like to do.
Try to get your wife to admit to any affair and willingly break it herself. To achieve this, here are some things he should NOT do:
o Don’t fight fire with fire, for example, have an adventure of your own.
o Don’t give your wife an ultimatum to choose you or him. She could choose him.
o Do not condemn your wife. A holier than you attitude would only cause resentment.
o Don’t be pedantic in all aspects of your wife’s behavior. Demanding to know her every move or insisting that she become totally subservient to you is terribly restrictive and self-defeating.
Here are some of the things you CAN do:
o If you suspect an affair, it is okay to ask for an explanation of your relationship with the third party. If there is admission, set up a plan to restore your relationship. If there is no admission, let’s leave things for now. An admission may come later if you do things right now.
o Have a heart-to-heart with your wife. He discusses the first time he felt something went wrong in their relationship. He finds out how their relationship changed. The goal is to identify the root causes of the breakup in your relationship. Once these root causes are found, help each other eliminate them.
o Be willing to change yourself first before demanding that your wife change. Ask him what changes he would like you to make in yourself and comply as much as possible.
o Be accountable to another partner you can trust. The man should go with you and the woman with your wife. If there is an affair, this couple to whom you are responsible must lovingly but firmly separate the third of the two of you.
o Rebuild, rekindle and rekindle your relationship. Spend quality time doing things or going places that rekindle your love for each other. Relive precious moments that meant something good in the past
o Fill in what was missing in the relationship: mutual affection, encouragement, affirmation, support, empathy, understanding, attention, etc.
o Make a conscious effort to speak her love language and turn her on. Romance with her wife, do things that really please her.
Doing all of this will eventually earn her back her devotion to you and ultimately save your marriage.
