Divorces are painful, causing loss, confusion, anger, resentment, and stress. If children are involved, the process becomes even more complex.
I was fortunate that my wife and I strongly believed that our children needed fair access to both parents, which meant that we were able to come to an access rights agreement that worked for both of us. We are now comfortably and happily sharing all rights, custody and residence of our children equally.
Since this is the case, you may wonder why I am writing this article. After all, it looks like we had the perfect result.
While this may be true, during my divorce I learned a lot about the legal and social issues that govern custody and access rights, and I thought I’d share that here.
Let me start by saying if you are a parent fighting for fair access: don’t give up, there is hope!
Most countries have legally accepted the United Nations Children’s Charter, which is a universally accepted set of children’s rights. The fundamental right of a child during a divorce is that her best interests come first. This means that custody arrangements are not made in the best interest of the parents, but rather in the interest of the child.
However, the reality is that society has a deep-rooted belief that children are always better off with their mothers. This deeply held belief is based on a number of factors (some of which are our fault, men!)
1. Mothers have deeper bonds, since they carried the child
2. Parents can’t take care of young children
3. Young children need mothers to comfort and care for them.
4. Women are better equipped to handle children due to their protective nature.
5. Men are focused on their career or don’t have time due to work commitments
Unfortunately, due to gender inequality in the workplace, many officials involved in your divorce will be men, and often even these officials do not believe or understand that there are many men who are willing and able to care for their minor children.
This is well illustrated by the statement of a family law judge who says: “I have never seen calves follow bulls, they always follow the cow, therefore I always give custody to the dams” (Commission on Gender Bias in the Judicial System, 1992 p. 742) (JOURNAL OF FAMILY VIOLENCE, VOLUME 10, NUMBER 3, p 253-264, 1995, DIVORCE-RELATED MALIGNANT MOTHER SYNDROME, Ira Daniel Turkat, Ph.D .)
During our separation I was struck by how often people would say to me “You are so lucky your wife lets you see your children so often”, many people have a natural tendency to believe that children belong to the mother and that parents have no rights. and no value to add.
How do I prepare to get fair access? The key issue is to prepare, not to be a victim, not to accept the status quo. Following the steps listed below will help you gain fair access to your children.
1. Decide what you want: write it down, define in words what you are, what you want or are willing to accept.
2. Don’t think your attorney has your best interests in mind, it is YOUR responsibility to educate yourself and fight for your rights.
3. Educate yourself on all possible arguments and counterarguments
4. Take time off during the divorce to take your children to the doctor, visit their school, buy them clothes, so you can show your spouse and the authorities that you are capable.
5. Spend time with your children when they are with you. Many parents often get stuck in small apartments, with very little furniture and toys at first. Don’t let it get you down, take your kids to the park, visit friends, spend real time with them.
6. Keep records of what you do with your children (you can use it in court)
7. Decide what you want, write it down and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
I mentioned education, there are numerous websites and articles you can use to prepare yourself against all of the common arguments, some of these are listed below.
http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/index.php?id=12&cID=583, http://www.fathermag.com/news/2757-matriarchy-feminism-violence.shtml
And you? Another critical element of successfully obtaining fair access rights is taking care of yourself.
Oddly enough, if you hope to be successful in gaining custody or at least fair and equal access to your children, you have to look out for yourself.
You cannot expect to have happy children and be able to convince your spouse and/or the courts that you are a great caregiver if you do not take care of yourself.
With this goal, I became an investment list creator, defining what I wanted, how and when, but the first one was called “Rebuild myself”: I took a long look at myself and tried to catalog what I wanted to change. I visualized a stronger, happier, better me.
Using this insight, I made a list, with expected completion dates, of what I needed to do to become a better person.
I created subcategories:
Personal – my clothes, my appearance, my level of physical condition
Home: how my new apartment should look like, how to decorate my children’s room, what furniture it would have
Financial: what debt could I get rid of, what savings did I want for when
Things to do with the kids: a list of ideas for inexpensive but bonding activities
Working through this list on a weekly basis, in addition to helping me achieve my goal, also kept me focused and gave me a sense of control, even though at times it felt like my world revolved around me.
I highly recommend anyone going through this moment to “rebuild” yourself, visualize it, write it down, and do it.
Good luck, and remember that, at the end of the day, gaining access to your children is not about winning a war against your spouse, but about bringing happiness to you and your children, and ensuring that they grow up balanced and successful.
