During my ten years of helping families make burial arrangements, I have heard countless expressions of regret from loved ones on behalf of the deceased. “I’m sorry he didn’t do it, she didn’t do it, I didn’t do it, we didn’t do it, or they didn’t do it.” This regret that the deceased did not get a chance to do something they always wanted to do brings sadness and disappointment to the family and loved ones left behind. They always wanted to travel, she wanted to start her own business, he wanted to go fishing when he retired, they wanted to move to Florida, she wanted to go back to school, she wanted to go bungee jumping in New Zealand, she was going to start a healthy eating and exercise program, she wanted to cut down on work hours to spend more time with the family, she wanted to write a book, she wanted to take piano lessons, we wanted to plan a family reunion, she wanted to ride a motorcycle cross country…the list goes on.
Regret, not to be confused with guilt, is a normal and natural emotion of grief; But you must take steps to traverse this unfamiliar territory. Time magazine says that, on average, it takes five to eight years to recover from a devastating loss. With support and the right action steps, it doesn’t have to take as long. Yes, recognize that you have lost someone who had great meaning and importance in your life; and, maybe that special someone couldn’t do all the things they wanted to do, or that you thought they should. But, now you must take action to move forward. If you do nothing, nothing will happen and you will remain stuck in regret. Like having a flat tire, you can change it and continue to your destination; Or, you can’t do anything and get stuck on the side of the road.
One very important thing to know is that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path. There is no right or wrong way to cry. There is no set time period or season to attack. No GPS or MapQuest to avoid wrong turns or dead ends. Each of us is unique and our complaint experience will be unique. Even siblings who lose a parent will continue to grieve individually. No matter what the reason or cause of death, to overcome the pain of grief, you must go through it. Some cry, others find things to laugh about. Some keep the company of friends, others choose to be alone. Some frequent the cemetery, others choose not to. Some eat more often than usual, others have no appetite and must be forced to eat. Some seek support, others feel they don’t need it.
As for the note of support, I highly encourage it. Wrong emotions usually do not mean that something is wrong with you. They mean that your life as it was has changed and you have not been able to adjust or accept the way life is now without your loved one. There are options for everyone. Some I recommend are grievance support groups, grievance training, online/social media grievance groups, spiritual/pastoral counseling, and psychological counseling/therapy, if needed. There are many benefits to using the tools and techniques that you will learn from these resources. In my complaint training practice, I have found that when you share your complaint experience, very often you actually help another person who is grieving. What a meaningful act of sharing where everyone wins.
This is a way to say goodbye to your loved one and help them on their own journey. Accept that you cannot redo the past, change the past, or correct the mistakes of the past; however, you can create your own legacy… one that will leave your loved ones “no regrets.” How do you start doing that? Make up your mind to say yes! to the gift of now Everything in life is temporary, including life itself. Now you have experienced this first hand. Life is precious, but so fragile. Accept that the past is gone, the future is not here, so all you have is NOW. It’s a gift.
This is my challenge to you. This exercise will help you move from pain to gratitude. If today you are diagnosed with six months to one year of life, what are the three things you would do? Make a list of those three things.
Now, if self-love wasn’t on your list, make that number one and move the others down (it’s okay to have four things on your list). Then get to work on the action steps to start making these things happen RIGHT NOW. I charge you with the obligation to live your life for the rest of your life! Leave a legacy of “No Regrets.”
Keep moving forward!
