Sometimes I hear from spouses who, during a separation or a break they had requested, suddenly realized what a huge mistake they had made. I often hear comments like, “I was the one who pushed for the breakup. I really thought I fell in love with my spouse. But now that we’re apart, I realize I still have a lot of love.” for him and I don’t want to leave this marriage. Now I realize that I made a big mistake, but I don’t know how to deal with it. He begged me to reconsider the separation and I refused. Now, he may be moving. turned on and I don’t know how to tell him how stupid I really was.
Of course, many people in this situation worry that this realization has come too late. The real fear is that your spouse has finally come around to your way of thinking about separation, when now, that’s the last thing you want. In the following article, I’ll discuss some suggestions you can consider if you find yourself in this situation.
Realizing your separation mistake late is better than never realizing it: Many people in this situation fear that it is too late to change their minds. He worries that their spouse will resent them and reject them. And they suspect this is going to hurt even more because of their change of heart. The truth is that you often don’t know what is going to happen and your actions and the way you approach this could make a difference. Not only that, but late understanding is better than no understanding at all.
Sure, it’s not optimal that you didn’t realize how much you loved your spouse until you were apart. But, sometimes, distance and time are the wait that is needed for this realization to be possible. And you better come to this conclusion now before things can’t be fixed. Your attitude about this can determine the outcome, so try not to punish yourself too much. You realize your mistake and now is the time to promise to make it up. Once you’ve done that, this is really all you can do. It’s time to take some action. Unfortunately, you can’t turn back time. But you can take responsibility and deal as best you can with the situation you have created.
Decide whether to tell your spouse about your change of heart: I know it’s tempting to rush in and tell your spouse about your change of heart and beg for their forgiveness. And, if you are sure that they feel exactly the same as you, this can be logical. But, if your spouse is harboring any confusion, resentment, or uncertainty, then sometimes it’s wise to feel their way before you blurt this out.
And, if nothing has been done to change the issues that led to the breakup in the first place, you could be setting yourself up for failure. So it can be helpful to take inventory of where you are now. Changing feelings and sudden realizations are a good place to start, but they are often not enough. And you really only get one chance to address this topic. So you want to make sure you have a good idea of how receptive your spouse might be or how they might react. Sometimes it’s best to delay this conversation until you can begin to rebuild common ground and the tension begins to ease. You want to start from a place of strength rather than a place of weakness, and you don’t want to offer all kinds of promises or accomplishments that might ring false or elicit a “too little, too late” response.
Many spouses who have been abandoned harbor at least some resentment. It is important that you are aware of this and do not expect to be welcomed with open arms or without any real plan to change things for the better and in the long run.
Building the foundations for a reconciliation: Of course, if you’re now realizing that the breakup was a mistake, then probably what you want most is to go home and get your old life back. However, gradual changes are often more lasting and credible. I often suggest moving slowly and feeling the way. Instead of asking to be welcomed right away, I think you’ll often be more successful if you focus on improving the day-to-day relationship you have right now.
Thinking that you are going to change your marriage overnight or unleash a big face on your spouse may be asking too much. But if you can slowly begin to change your daily interactions to want more and build on this, then you’ll likely find out when you broach the subject of the mistake you made and your desire to go home. , you’ll bet you received a much more positive and less perplexed response.
