Many people are under the impression that couples counseling can only be effective if both attend and participate. Not so! Studies have found that working on relationships alone (if your partner refuses or is unable to join you) can have equally positive results. For example, at the University of Denver, results from a five-year longitudinal study of 300 long-term couples suggest that approximately one month after receiving relationship skills training, those who received it as individuals saw an improvement in their relationships. as well as those who received training as a couple. Therefore, if your partner will not join you in counseling, going it alone can be just as effective.
If you have a partner who doesn’t want to, it’s natural to feel frustrated. You don’t want to be the only one working to improve your relationship! Don’t let your partner’s lack of will become another obstacle between the two of you. Even if only one of you is interested in improving the dynamics of your relationship, if one of you starts to behave differently, I guarantee that the relationship will change as well.
“But what can I really achieve on my own?”
You may be pleasantly surprised! The key is to learn more about yourself and how your words and actions contribute to your relationship. Once you have a better handle on your role in your current problems, when it changes, your relationship simply cannot stay the same. Time spent learning better communication skills, discovering new tools to better manage conflict, and ways to meet your own needs will alleviate some of the stress and tension in your relationship. Over time, your partner will realize that you are new and improved and will probably begin to do and say things differently as well.
By doing this personal introspection, you will begin to recognize the destructive patterns you both have fallen into. As you experiment with your new tools and abilities, you’ll realize that things can change… even if you’re the only one (at least initially) making the changes. You will discover new and positive ways to contribute to your relationship and break out of your old destructive patterns.
“How about I insist that my partner accompany me to therapy?”
Insisting that your partner accompany you to counseling will likely do more harm than good. After all, no one likes to be told what to do. Setting an ultimatum can add to any resentment that already exists between the two of you. An unwitting participant in counseling may even derail her efforts entirely; it’s best to resist the urge to push your partner into doing something they don’t want to do.
Especially when your relationship is already on shaky ground, demands of any kind are rarely effective, often just fueling the fire. I know it would be best not to (apparently) be the only one striving to make things better, but some people feel better trying to “fix” things on their own without the help of a counselor. Although over time, if the one attending counseling is making good progress, the other often comes along. Be patient.
“But if my partner really cared about me, wouldn’t he come…?”
Your partner may choose not to join you in counseling for a number of reasons that may have nothing to do with you and your relationship. Perhaps there was a bad experience in the past that you are afraid will be revealed. You may be afraid of the possibility of being “attacked” during a session (something an expert counselor would never do) or of your partner openly blaming you for their problems. Don’t assume that your partner’s unwillingness to accompany you to counseling should be interpreted as not caring about you or your relationship.
Reluctance does not necessarily mean rejection. Know that if you pay attention to your own thoughts, feelings and desires and work to improve yourself and your own life, you will become more attractive to others and these changes can be the catalyst for building a happier and healthier relationship.
