I was born and raised in San Francisco, which was known as The City, San Fran, and even the hated ‘Frisco’. A few years ago, it was known as the free city of Sucka. I’m lovin ‘it!
However, there are still people who are so out of it that they don’t know what the term “sucka” means. A couple of them called into my radio show a few weeks ago, trying to punish my grammatical error by informing me that “sucka” wasn’t real world according to the Oxford dictionary and that the correct term is “sucka”.
These guys were so cheesy it was unbelievable. I just rolled my eyes.
Anyway, a “sucka” can be anyone, male or female, young or old, of any race, color, creed, or nationality. A “sucka” in our case is defined as an insincere, emotionally unavailable user who gambles and is opportunistic. Gamblers and gold diggers are included in this parade of successes. Suckas will enter your world and proceed to use you for everything you have or have thought you could get in the future. No matter what anyone says to the contrary, assholes are there to GET, not to GIVE.
Here are some specific situations you may run into that clearly indicate you are involved with a sucka:
- He or she repeatedly criticizes and denies you. Members who were all smiles and fun begin to tear you apart with disparaging comments, criticisms, and suggestions for improvement. Your nose looks funny, your haircut is unflattering, your manners are embarrassing, your car is too tattered, you love too much, you don’t love enough, you can’t cook as well as your ex, blah blah blah. When they are “teased” in a way that makes him feel criticized and belittled in a group setting, he is informed that it was all fun, just a joke. He is accused of being too sensitive if he gets angry and upset. The goal here is to gain mental and emotional power over you. With one sentence, your partner can send you to the depths of despair and shame. You will then feel safe and positively defined as the controller of the relationship.
- he or she is lazy. You find yourself doing a lot for your partner, things that he or she never does in return. You plan all the dates, pay for all the dates, make most or all of the phone calls, give all the gifts, do all the driving, pick up the things you forgot at the store, browse job websites to “help” find a better job, write your resume and send it. You initiate all romantic PDAs and whatever sex they have. You want to make your partner happy. You want to show him or her that you will always be there. But taking care of a lazy person doesn’t prove that you love them, it’s just solid proof that you don’t love yourself.
- He or she is possessive, controlling, or abusive. These guys keep their Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde’s identity kept secret for at least a few weeks, long enough for you to walk into his web with his false friendliness. They then become the monster they really are. Yelling, yelling, swearing, accusing you of not loving him or being there because you didn’t (fill in the blank). They spy on you, question you, threaten you and make you feel insecure and confused about yourself and the relationship. There are often two sets of rules when it comes to money, friends, fun, and freedom: one for you and one for them! Power is transferred and control is gained in small ways, little by little. Something as simple as a man asking me in an irritated tone of voice, “Who was that on the phone?” he activates the alarms.
- He or she is manipulated to gain control of their self-esteem. This is often done with “helpful hints” on how you should modify your appearance in some way to “look better.” I remember going out with a guy once (yes, once). After our lunch date, we went to a bookstore, just to look around. It ended up in the section of women’s magazines. A few minutes later he came ALL the way to the photography book section where I was to show me a photo of a woman with a very short haircut. She proceeded to inform me that she needed to cut my hair in that style because he liked short hair and that would suit me better. At the time my hair was past my shoulders and I had no interest in cutting it. Instead I cut HIM. Had he agreed to his demand, he would have given him amazing power over me and let him know that he had no confidence in the way I looked or felt.
- He or she is living with, married to, or involved with another person. This may sound like a “duh!” but I am always amazed at how many people think they can MAKE someone choose them by loving them enough, pleasing them, doing them favors, being available, begging, pleading. Even if you are in love with yourself or even imagine yourself madly in love, you are wasting your time and energy on someone who is emotionally unavailable. You love someone who loves someone else. Unfortunately, the most you could be is entertainment when they’re bored and a distraction from their main relationship problems. At worst, you would be someone who refuses to accept reality as you set yourself up to be trampled on, disrespected, and used.
- He or she avoids sexual interaction. Most adult romantic relationships in our modern society involve some type of sexual interaction. When a couple loves each other, sex between them is a vehicle to express affection, love, desire and closeness. A relationship that was previously loving and sexual but suddenly, without warning and without logical reason, changes is a great red flag. But usually suckas avoid having sex with their partners because they don’t WANT to get close or express affection, care or desire. He or she may be having sex with someone, but it’s not you. Their goal: to trick you and get as much as they can. You give and give into emptiness as you hope and pray that you will eventually get the love you desire.
These are just a few of dozens of examples of suckas and how they wreak havoc on unsuspecting singles. You must learn to recognize them early on in the dating process and have the courage to quickly send them on their way. Your goal: free sucka love!
Loving “without sucking” means you SELECT your partners wisely, don’t let them select you. Never again will you fall into a relationship like a tumbleweed in the wind! Instead, you will use your power and CHOOSE your mates using compatibility, lifestyles, and mutual love and respect as your guide.
Loving “without sucking” means that you refuse to settle for anything that arises out of desperation or simply to avoid being alone. Loving “without sucka” means that you love intelligently and in your own interest!
