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The critical effects of loyalty

Human beings are socialized to function in groups, villages, tribes, etc. Therefore, it is not surprising that we have an innate need to interact with each other, trust each other, depend on each other and help each other. We want to give each other the benefit of the doubt when it comes to precarious circumstances. We want to be loyal to our loved ones and friends, and we want them to return that loyalty. These are normal needs, and in a normal living environment these needs work well for us. But what happens when the life situation is abnormal?

The disease of addiction definitely has a severe impact on life circumstances. Many of the addict’s behaviors are fundamentally narcissistic due to the nature of the disease. In fact, some of the most obvious signs of addiction are related to the addict’s behaviors that do not conform to society’s norms. It is common for the addict to lie, cheat, steal, and commit crimes to satisfy short-term selfish needs to get high. These actions are taken without thinking about how these behaviors impact others; the thought process is focused solely on the immediate gratification of a perceived need for self-survival. In short, the addict is not interested in results in the medium or long term, nor is he interested in maintaining or developing lasting relationships: this type of thought process does not enter the mind of the addict. The addict is only interested in his selfish needs of the moment. This story can help describe the impact of addictive behaviors and how loyalty is involved.

Jane is a 54-year-old divorced woman with two children. She has been an alcoholic and addict since she had her last child 28 years ago. When her last child was six years old, Jane was desperate for another prescription for opioids; however, the normal doctors she was seeing for the prescriptions did not provide her with another script. Jane found herself traveling to an area of ​​the city known for drugs and violence: she had her six-year-old son with her. She met a man on the street who said that he knew where to get the drugs. Jane left her six-year-old son in the car and followed the man to a dilapidated building. There Jane was shown how to inject heroin for the first time, and she found the euphoria intense. Later, Ella Jane was raped by several men and found that he didn’t care much for her. While Jane was inside the drug den, her vehicle where she was holding her six-year-old son was stolen for parts. The boy was placed on the sidewalk in front of the drug den. Hours passed before Jane’s high wore off enough for her to understand the situation and she went to see her son: her son was nowhere to be found. Jane found her way back home and told her husband what had happened, he called the police. Fortunately, Jane’s son was at the police station in the care of Child Protective Services after being reported by a citizen. Jane’s husband covered up her abandonment behavior and Jane agreed to see a therapist for her problems. Jane’s husband also stopped allowing Jane access to any money. It wasn’t long before Jane became a prostitute, while her eldest son was at school, to raise money to buy her heroin. On several occasions, Jane had to bring her youngest child because she had no money for a babysitter. When she was home, Jane was often high on heroin and completely incompetent as a mother. Often, her six-year-old son would go all day without food, drink or supervision. Eventually, Jane was arrested for solicitation and possession of narcotics. Child Protective Services launched a full investigation and the husband left with the children to stay with the children’s grandparents. The six-year-old desperately wanted to stay with Jane, despite how neglectful she was of her. Jane was sentenced to an addiction rehab program where she desperately tried to find the answer to living a sober life. After returning to her home with her husband and her children, she quickly relapsed and sold her jewelry and some electronics to pay for the heroin. Her husband filed for divorce and insisted that she keep joint custody with her children since she was her mother. When the children were staying with her Mother, the eldest son, who was twelve years old, began to be the father, taking care of Jane and the youngest son and informing the Father that all was well. Sometimes when Jane was sick with withdrawal symptoms, the older son would ride his bike to pick up medicine for Jane. One day, Jane overdosed while her children were at home. She was sent to addiction rehab once again, and the courts awarded her children sole custody of her husband. While in rehab, Jane attempted to take her life and left a note saying that she could not bear the pain he had caused her family.

This sad story of confusion and dysfunction represents many elements of loyalty gone wrong. There is the husband who covers up his wife’s addictive behaviors and insists that a mother needs to raise her children despite the danger of the relationship. There is the child who wants to be with the Mother regardless of the treatment received or the dangerous consequences. There is the boy who feels the need to protect and care for the family despite the age of the twelve year old. And there’s Jane, whose only loyalty was to herself: even when she tried to take her life, her intentions were purely selfish and without thought to the impact such an action would have on her children.

In another example, John was a twenty-year-old addict eleven months sober and a resident of a sobriety center. John had many relapse episodes and an addiction treatment program since he used primarily methamphetamine at the age of sixteen. He met a girl at a self-help meeting who helped him feel excited and wanted. John fell in love with this girl who had a long history of relapses and going back and forth from treatment programs. The girl was sober for a week when John met her and they had sex for the first time. John was surrounded by people trying to talk to him about his options, but John felt an intense loyalty to the girl and avoided her support system. One night, the girl asked John to get high with her while they had sex. John tried to say no, but temptation ate away at his compulsive nature. John quickly became convinced that the girl would not do anything that would hurt him because she said that she loved him. John used heroin and cocaine with the girl that night. John lost his job in a week, lost the support of his family and friends in two weeks, and soon after was out of money. John began stealing cars and houses to support his lifestyle of getting high and living in motel rooms. John was inevitably arrested for breaking and entering and robbery. After being released from prison thirty days later, the girl had already found a replacement for John; someone who could provide the money for the drugs and a sense of security. John was heartbroken but did not use drugs again. He worked very hard on his sobriety over the next three months. Later, John saw the girl again at a self-help meeting. She had been in the hospital and sober for a few days, she told John that she loved him and that it was only her addiction that was getting in the way of her love. John decided that he needed her help with her recovery effort and began seeing her every day. It was only a matter of weeks before they both returned to using drugs and robbing houses to support their habit. The girl eventually left John for another man who had more money and a nice house. John found his way back to jail for three years.

This story exemplifies the kind of loyalty that seems to be focused on another person, but is actually totally self-centered. John’s loyalty to the girl was based on his own desire to feel needed and to be the provider for another. Despite the girl’s obvious use of John’s intentions, he remained loyal to her. The girl’s loyalty to John was also selfish, as she only remained loyal as long as John could act as a financial provider for her.

As these stories exemplify, loyalty in a family system of addicts is often distorted. It is common for people to locate loyalty to another person as a reason to act in unhealthy ways. Because this type of loyalty is often modeled within an addicted family system, it is considered a normal part of life. An accepted sentiment in an addicted family system is that each family member should come to the rescue of the one in trouble. This type of loyalty is detrimental because it can lead to unhealthy behavior on the part of all members of the family system. Another common form of loyalty is when one or two parts of the family take over the addict’s life to try to fix it. This type of loyalty ignores the addict’s fundamental needs for self-responsibility and replaces it with a self-righteous form of control, often with the addict’s full approval.

Healthy forms of loyalty are always identified with a clear set of behavior boundaries. Healthy loyalty exists in a mutually rewarding relationship, and the reward is not just selfish. Harold Laski said, “A healthy loyalty is not passive and complacent, but active and critical.” Loyalties are shades of gray, not black and white. And loyalty is earned.

For an individual in a family system with unhealthy loyalty, it can be a difficult task to practice healthy loyalty. One of the best places to get support in acting with healthy loyalty is in the company of a self-help group like Al-Anon or Coda. A therapist can also be of great help. No matter the setting, it is very important to have an honest conversation about loyalty and how feelings and behaviors come across in situations that require a sense of loyalty. With practice and reinforcement comes a healthy loyalty.

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