Pain is the way our soul expresses need. This raw emotion is complex and simple at the same time. Simple because it is innate and human. Everyone will experience it at some point in their lives. Pain becomes complex as it works its way deep into our hearts and souls, changing who we were and challenging us to emerge as someone else. It can be the “beast” or a blessing. However, we rarely speak of pain and sadness. We treat it privately and personally, as if only we could own it.
Pain seeps into our lives when someone we love dies. We recognize the all-encompassing emotion before and after the funeral. It speaks of the dramatic life change that awaits us and breaks our security in the world we once knew. We fear his tenacious grip and tremble at his humility. Instinctively, we know, pain can be a destructive force if we allow it to be our partner for too long; And ignoring the pain will only create bigger problems. Therein lies the dilemma … how can we go beyond pain to find the peace and joy that can empower us and move us toward transformative destinations?
The important thing about pain
Even when we are in pain, we can still have a ray of hope. Our lives are a series of events. We have layer after layer of experiences. Some repeated, but all contribute to making us who we are. These layers are a combination of our challenges, our achievements, our disappointments, our successes, and our failures. Each one shapes the foundation of the “wisdom” that comes with time and a life lived. We can look back at our past and acknowledge that we have gone through other changes.
Looking back, Gary and I recognize how much we have changed from the experiences of significant loss. And even though we’ve been involved in grief education and support for nearly 2 decades, grief still finds a way to impact us. It is comforting to help others during those difficult first months and years. It reminds us of the path we once traveled and how far we have come. In our groups, we bond with others who suffer. And when one of us suffers, we all suffer together. Pain walks with me.
Some people come to our groups with deep sadness and high hopes of finding something magical that will erase the pain and return them to the “old self.” Although this is unlikely to happen in such a short time, what they do find is hope in the stories of others. Pain is part of the grieving process that requires accepting pain and learning to live with it. Shakespeare says: “Give words of pain.” When we talk about our pain, we begin to heal the pain and ease the burden we carry with us. Such camaraderie in groups allows us to recognize that we are not alone.
With pain come tears. Tears tell a story that words cannot describe. Tears do not heal pain, but they start the process that helps us heal pain. Tears help us express our emotions. Tears will come and go, usually at the most inconvenient times! A fleeting memory, a touching song, a familiar face can provoke the appearance of emotions not forgotten, but bravely repressed. I find courage in the tears that say that we have not become bitter with the world; intolerable of others; insensitive to misfortune; or alien to human suffering. Tears are little blessings of precious moments, precious memories, and tokens of unconditional love.
Sadness have to walk with each of us for a period of time in pain. It is the price we pay for love. It honors a relationship that has fed our souls and enlightened our spirits. It means that the battle started and has not yet been won.
A cure for pain?
We are often asked this familiar question: “How long before I get over my pain and can stop crying?” I don’t think there is a time limit for expressing emotions through tears. Gary and I still find moments of tears and outbursts of sadness.
There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only child died. In his pain, he went to the holy man and said: “What prayers, what magic spells do you have to bring my son back to life?”
Instead of firing her or reasoning with her, he said, “Bring me a mustard seed from a home that has never known pain. We will use it to drive pain out of your life.” The woman immediately went in search of that magic mustard seed.
First he came to a splendid mansion, knocked on the door and said, “I am looking for a home that has never known pain. Is this such a place? It is very important to me.” They said, “You’ve certainly come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that had happened to them recently.
The woman said to herself: “Who can better help these poor and unfortunate people than I, who have had my own misfortunes?” He stayed to comfort them, then continued in search of a home that had never known pain. But wherever he looked, in the huts and elsewhere, he found story after story of sadness and misfortune. He became so involved in ministering to other people’s pain that he eventually forgot about his quest for the magic mustard seed, not realizing that he had, in fact, eliminated pain from his life.
Each of us who walk on this journey through pain reaches the fork in the road. A fork where you must decide: will I heal my pain? Or will I be forever angry, bitter, and miserable over my loss?
If we choose to knock on the doors of our neighbors, co-workers and friends, it is unlikely that we will be able to fetch a mustard seed from a home that has not known pain. Grief thrives in various guises, including divorce, physical illness, family dysfunction, job stress, and personal emptiness.
How to cure pain
There is a valuable lesson from this tall tale, one that speaks to each of us as a way to heal our own pain. The best cure for pain is to recognize and look for someone who has a greater reason for pain than yours. By sharing your burden, listening to your story, or helping them cope with their pain, you can discover peace and overcome the misery you are experiencing.
How do we do this? They all have a story. Many stories lead to life changes and transformed lives. Ask. Hear. Then give your own words of pain.
Healing your pain and sadness involves validating your true feelings. You run the risk of remembering sad moments in your life, moments that you may not have honored until now. You run the risk of being deeply moved, understanding the need for compassion, and facing the fact that you care deeply about the loss you have experienced. You can cry. You can laugh. You may even get angry, because it hurts when you feel like life has treated you unfairly. You may want to hold onto your past, but recognize that there is no future there. You can think of things you never thought of before. You can evaluate your life today and rethink your future. You will know what it means to love and to have been loved. Pain teaches us the most important lessons in life.
Although she (pain) can walk with you; she doesn’t need to become your constant companion. She will lead you to the fork in the road where it will be your choice to be bitter or better. Which one will you choose?
