Emotional intelligence (EI) is a popular topic related to emotions, and not just in the business world. EI’s approach to living life helps people identify their emotions as they occur and manage their emotions in their interactions with others. EI is an approach to social coping.
What I experience personally and professionally with people who have done “emotional work” is that many of them learned the concepts well, they can easily discuss the ins and outs of emotions, but that, in real-time situations: at work, at home, playing and in the relationship: they fail to manage or cope effectively with their emotions, quickly reverting to old patterns of self-sabotaging emotional reactivity. Why?
First, many people who do “emotional work” assume that they were “born yesterday”, that is, that they pay little attention to the deep nature and evolution of emotions, knowledge that, once understood and integrated, helps people. to see the “root cause” of emotional reactivity. These perceptions are necessary to understand a paradigm of “that was then; this is now”, a meaningful context that supports them not to “futurize their past”, to be in the moment, unfettered by their history, capable of moving towards a positive, neutral response rather than negative, critical and fear-based reactivity.
Second, few people actually “process” their emotions, allowing their emotions to move (not around) and befriend their emotions to see what their emotions are teaching them. Many people “bury” their emotions, alive. And they come back, over and over and over again in unwanted ways and at inopportune times.
Instead of focusing on emotional intelligence, our well-being is better served by focusing on emotional maturity.
Emotional maturity goes beyond “intelligence” to a higher state of consciousness, guided by what one feels, feels and intuits, and the heart.
Five principles underlie emotional maturity:
1 – Every negative emotion that we experience in the here and now is actually a childish reaction applied to a current person, circumstance or event.
2 – Most adults are between 3 and 4 and 5 years old with adult bodies and dressed in adult clothing.
3 – No one can make you feel in a way that you don’t want to feel.
4 – An adult can be emotionally mature and like a child or immature and like a child.
5 – Mindfulness, concentration and presence are the keys to emotional maturity
First, emotional maturity begins with an exploration of how emotional makeup forms early in life, drawing on interactions with our primary caregivers, then with extended family, teachers, friends, clergy, etc. Around seven, our psychological and emotional “programming” is on. Our reactivity (e.g., anger, sadness, fear, shame, pain, guilt, and loneliness, etc.) towards the people, events, and circumstances that triggered us early in life is stored in our cells and arises when they “related” triggers appear later in life.
The emotionally mature adult identifies and experiences emotions without acting, or repressing or repressing them. Some emotionally intelligent but “immature” adults knowledge upon emotions, they are often unable to properly identify or manage emotions. Rather, they resort to “defended” reactivity, avoiding their emotions: intellectualizing, explaining, analyzing, dissenting, attacking, flattering, joking, apologizing, evading, keeping quiet, becoming distant or distrustful, rejecting, criticizing, judging, and so on. These emotionally intelligent, but immature, people present themselves as: superior, arrogant, stubborn, defiant, hostile, complacent, indecisive, false, resentful, intolerant, self-pitying or victimized, etc. – immature behavior.
When we explore the nature of our emotions, we move toward a perspective of “that was then; this is now”, becoming less triggered by current events and circumstances. We do not “futurize” our past.
Second, by failing to explore the evolving nature of emotions, many are unaware that childhood emotions manifest themselves in “adult” life, that we bring our “family” into our adult interactions, at work, at home, at play, and in relationships. Our adult reactivity to pressing people, places, circumstances, and events is actually an “unconscious” reminder of childhood people, places, circumstances, and events. For the emotionally immature individual, his paradigm is “that was then; this is still then.” His past seeps into current situations.
Third. When we “work” to understand the nature of our emotions, we “understand” that when we were children, we reacted the way we reacted to feel safe and secure or to receive recognition, approval, and love. The emotionally mature adult is not a child in an adult body, wears adult clothing and does not react like a child.
The emotionally mature adult understands that “my emotions are not me, but mine; I am in control, not my emotions.” In this place of not judging, we live an event with greater objectivity, optimally without emotional charge or at least with less emotional charge. Emotional maturity teaches us to detach ourselves from a person, place, event, or circumstance that would normally trigger reactivity. Here, we can remain in a manageable or conscious state of equanimity or excitement. In this place, we don’t choose to blame a person or thing for “making me feel” a certain way.
Four. Our behavior always oscillates between the extremes of two continuums: (1) the emotionally mature infantile adult and (2) the emotionally immature infantile adult. What do these look like?
The “childish” qualities of an emotionally mature adult include: vivacious, excited, alive, juicy, adventurous, cheerful, happy, open, and so on. The “adult” qualities of an emotionally mature adult include: loving / supportive, firm / fair, helpful, respectful, self-responsible, non-judgmental, heartfelt, honest, sincere, allowing, accepting, focused on welfare. -In g; one serves, coaches or mentors.
On the other hand, the “childish” qualities of an emotionally immature adult include: reactive, misbehaving, throwing tantrums, fearful, scared, needy, angry, resentful, aggressive, intimidating, jealous, envious, closed, quiet, withdrawn, defensive, argumentative and grandiose, etc. The “adult” qualities of an emotionally immature adult include: unloving, authoritarian, micromanaging, controlling, disrespectful, fearful, angry, negative, critical, critical, abusive (mental, emotional, psychological, physical), dishonest, insincere, narcissistic, and centered on the self and the ego. The question, “How old do I feel now?” it can help one experience where they are on the continuums at any given moment.
Fifth. The most visible and effective result of emotional maturity is our ability to be in the moment, in our body and present (non-reactive, non-critical). We follow our emotions in our body. We don’t “do” anything, “fix” anything, or change anything when we witness and watch our emotions rise and fall.
Being present to our emotions allows our True Self (not our mind) to propel while our Heart and Soul inform us of “correct knowledge”, “correct understanding” and “correct action”. We have the emotion without “becoming” the emotion. We understand that the “trigger” of my reactivity may be “outside” of me, but the “cause” of my emotions is within. Thus, we watch, witness, and watch as we are fired upon and allow our True Self to support our inner journey and exploration, with curiosity, without straining or mentally shifting our experience. Mindfulness, presence, focus, trust, and surrender to our emotional experience provoke whatever is necessary in the moment. Our heart and soul never demand negativity or reactivity, but rather a considerate and emotionally mature response.
On our never-ending journey of developing our infinite potential, emotional maturity can be seen as the next step in the evolution of our humanity and the opening of a greater conscious awareness to ourselves and others.
So some questions for self-reflection are:
- Have you ever felt that you need to change the way you respond to others?
- How do you feel when others challenge you or disagree with you?
- Are you fearful, angry, or anxious? You know why?
- How do you respond to the comments of others?
- Have you ever been surprised by the way you react to others?
- Have you ever been afraid to explore your emotions? Why?
- Do you consider yourself emotionally mature? What would the others say?
